I’m always hearing people talking about how they want to fall in love. You are too good to fall in love. First of all, love isn’t even something you fall into. Do you think Jesus just fell in love with the church? That over some period of time He realized He liked these people and wanted them to be His? No, He chose them. From the very beginning of time He had chosen them. Love isn’t an accident; it isn’t something you fall into. You don’t accidentally trip into fighting for someone– giving everything you have, everything you are for them. That kind of thing just doesn’t happen by chance. Sure, there will be people who come out of nowhere who you just can’t help loving for at least a moment. But when it comes down to it, for the long haul, the sickness, and health, and the Waffle House trips at 3 am, and some of the deepest hurts we will ever feel, and some of the greatest joys we will ever experience, they all have to be chosen. Love has to be chosen.
As for you and me, I think the choice to love begins right now. I also think that choice begins with you loving yourself and me loving myself. I think for the most part, loving God is easy. He’s perfect. Not much not to love about Him. People on the other hand, they’re a little trickier. They mess up, and they sometimes do awful things. Sometimes they say things that do nothing but break and destroy. They hurt us sometimes– most times if we’re being honest. But we can work past all of this. We can find the good in them. We can forgive them. But the hardest person to love is ourselves. We each know every single one of the mistakes we’ve ever made. We’ve kept track of every word, every disappointment, and every failure. Somehow it’s impossibly difficult to forgive ourselves. We always should have known better. We shouldn’t have said this or that. We tell ourselves we should have gotten up earlier, or should have tried harder. We never cut ourselves enough slack. But we need to learn to give ourselves permission to be human. Everyone is a screw up in some form or fashion. Part of being human is being hurt and hurting others– even hurting ourselves. So we have to forgive others, accept the forgiveness of others, and forgive ourselves. Because if we don’t we’re not going to be able to love ourselves well. We’re not going to be able to love others well. We’re not going to be able to love God well. I don’t think you can truly love one of those well without loving them all. We must love the One who gave the breath of life, and also love each person He gave it to– including ourselves.
I believe there is someone out there whom I will spend the rest of whatever’s left of my life with. Someone I’ll laugh and cry with. Someone I can hike mountains with. Someone who’ll be down for 3 a.m. pancake excursions. Someone who will just sit and read books with me. Someone I can go to Disneyworld and act like a total kid with. Someone I can raise a family with. Someone who will be a partner in ministry with me. Someone I can be with without saying a word. Someone who’ll make life feel like a Ben Rector song. She’ll be smart, and strong, a leader, sweet, and caring. She’ll be one part dreamer and two parts doer. She won’t be afraid to speak her mind, but knows she doesn’t have to. She’ll love to read and write. She’ll have a heart for kids and adoption. He’ll love Jesus more than her ego and reputation. She probably won’t be exactly like that. But if I had to describe my idea of beauty in words, that’s how I’d do it. Because I believe she exists (please Jesus) I’m going to choose to go ahead and love her today. And I’m going to choose to love her tomorrow, and the next day, and every day until I meet her, and everyday after.
I think some of the best ways I can love my future wife now are some of the same ways I can best love myself, others, and God as well. I can choose to learn everyday. I can work on making myself better. Solve problems around me. Help people. Do meaningful work. I think God wants us to be our best and do our best. I think doing those things bring Him glory. I think there are also ways to love my future wife, myself, others, and God right now that have to do with physical relations and sex. I think sex is a sacred act. I know this is not necessarily popular belief and everyone might not hold the same opinion. That’s completely okay. This is not me telling you how to live your life, or even me wishing how you’d live your life. This is me saying how I’m going to strive to live my life. Though I hope you still consider it and plumb for truth.
Sex is always something I’ve wanted to save for my wife. It’s not even a matter of right or wrong for me. Even before I was a Christian I held this belief that no one arrives at their deathbed wishing they had sex with more people. Social Psychologist Erich Fromm says when man and women are naked before each other they fully realize their separation from each other. They are able to see their differences. But with the realization of the separateness, if they have not already chosen to love each other, they will remain strangers. Without love, this separation becomes a source of shame of shame and guilt. But to love someone means to care, and respect, and truly know them. You can’t just build and dissolve those kind of relationships without serious pain involved. It just isn’t worth the destruction. You might not agree, and I realize this probably isn’t the popular belief. But if I wanted to be popular I probably wouldn’t wear cargo shorts as often.
Sex is never the end goal of love anyways; it’s just a beautiful part of it. While by the grace of God I haven’t had sex, I’ve still done things that have caused damage. I’ve crossed boundaries. I’ve used people. I’ve probably taken people through emotional hell and conjured feelings of worthlessness. This is me saying I’m sorry to my future wife, and just as importantly, to everyone I’ve ever hurt I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I’m working on forgiving myself too.
Love isn’t something you can give or have. It’s something you do; something you become. People are not yours to claim ownership over. They may be “our” spouse, or boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, or friend– but they are not ours. People are not our to be had or taken, purchased or sold. Even God only calls those who come to Him His own. We are meant to be with people, and people are meant to be loved. Loving people means we can’t keep demonizing people. Not even the rapists, or murderers, or terrorists, or the people sitting on the other side of the political fence. We can’t demonize them; not anymore. Loving people means taking in the good and the bad. It means choosing them and choosing to fight for who God wants them to become.
The Bible sometimes uses “love” and “hate” idiomatically to demonstrate choice. God loved (chose) Isaac, but hated (didn’t choose; rejected) Esau (Malachi 1:2-3). God loved (chose) Rachel more than (instead of) Leah (Genesis 29:30). What if by loving people God also means we have to choose them? At its core the word “agape” means to prefer, or choose one as opposed to another. Choose your neighbor. Choose your enemy. Choose your friends and family. Choose your spouse, even if they aren’t in the picture yet. Be with them. Fight for them. Hold their needs above your own.
I think the way God has called us to love people rules out things like war and the death penalty as ways to solve our people problems. I don’t even think people are the problem to begin with. It’ll be dangerous to love people like this. To forgive instead of removing them form the rest of society. To love our enemies instead of killing them. It’s radical and unsafe, but so is dying on a cross. Jesus knew from the beginning love would cost Him everything. For Him, to love was a death sentence. If love had a warning label it would read “Warning: may cause serious injury or death.” Love means acceptance, and forgiveness. Love means overlooking wrongs, and turning the other cheek. But as scary as love can be, for whatever reason, perfect love casts out fear. When we love, we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. Love doesn’t always mean us getting hurt. Love doesn’t mean staying in abusive or toxic relationships. Sometimes the best way to love is from a distance. We have to remember we are not the only person capable of loving of loving someone. If we have to keep our love at a distance, there will be someone who can keep their love close. But at the end of the day loving people means we will get hurt. Love is still something we’ll have to choose everyday. But love is worth it. It’s all there is. To love is our greatest purpose.